Truth as the Journey - Reality as a Dive Within
Excerpts From the Interview:
Jazmine: What do you think is part of the fundamental nature of reality for you?
Hadda Drama: Wow. Well, the fundamental nature of reality to me is unreachable. That is its nature…in my opinion. Lets say, at least, it’s unreachable to a cognitive process. I would say it could be reachable to an emotional process but then we’re not in reality anymore, we’re in the perception of reality, which is not reality. So by nature it is something unreachable as far as I’m concerned. But does it exist or not? For me, it almost does not make sense to talk about reality, again, as far as I’m concerned. Everything is perception anyways. So from there your reality could be anything.
Jazmine: What are some of the biggest things that affect your personal reality?
Hadda Drama: In general? In my personal story?
Hadda Drama: First and foremost, but with hindsight, I would say the way my parents raised me. That is to say the way they did not. Because they did not. This is, I think, a very, very important piece in my way of perceiving reality, because I did not receive any point of reference. So I had, during my whole adult life, to build my own toolbox to perceive reality. And the thing is, the only way you have to do this, when you don’t know how to get the fish nor how to catch the fish nor how to build the thing that catches the fish, when you don’t have any of these tools, the first way to get in touch with reality is to be mnemonic. To observe and to do whatever the others are doing. If you happen to be hypersensitive, it is very easy, because, you know, you have this very sharp intuition about what’s going on or what people are feeling. Intuition or fantasy or whatever it is, you have this way of perceiving something and you catch this perception very quickly and you manage to be what you think people are expecting you to be. That is to say, to be like them, as far as I’m concerned. So this is the way I built my own reality and that is what has affected my perception of reality. And then, as I said, came this discovery of being a dysfunctional hypersensitive person slash borderline. This was a kind of “wow” thing, you know?
" There was a huge gap between what I was before – my discovery- and after. Because before I would kill myself to be like the others. I would do anything to be and to seem like the others. To fit in the system, whatever system it is. After this discovery, I was like “Who cares?” Everybody should have their own system, their own perception, their own reality, their own whatever it is, what I call their own ‘singularity’. And this should be respected."
Jazmine: Is there anything that you believe maybe connects us together or something that is true for everyone…universal?
Hadda Drama: Yeah, definitely…these differences. This singularity. I would say that what makes us all different is what makes us all the same, and consequently, should connect us. As far as I’m concerned, I am at a stage where I do not understand why we are not more connected, related, as humans. I don’t understand why people do not see that this singularity is the best thing that someone could give to another, actually. But I’m only at that stage of the story. I don’t understand (laughter)
"It is my personal belief that if you are not aware that you are hypersensitive and do not educate yourself to deal with your emotions, doing whatever is needed to listen to these emotions, listening to whatever message is behind these emotions, listening to your own perception of reality and creating your own answer to this reality without being ashamed, without trying desperately to look like the others - if you do this auto-psychoeducation, I think you can end up not being borderline. So now I'm willing to go through these emotions and go through the process that I didn't go through when I was younger. "
Jazmine: So in your ‘dive within’ yourself, what do you think you are looking for in particular, at the very bottom?
Hadda Drama: At the very bottom…you know, I’m going to answer this question with a poem. It is a very, very interesting poem that I do like a lot from a poet called Constantine Cavafy. I don’t know if you have ever heard of him. He’s a Greek poet, used to live in the beginning of the 20th century, and he wrote this poem called Ithaca. His poem is all about the journey to Ithaca. And in his poem he says make sure that your journey lasts as long as possible, don’t try to reach Ithaca too fast. Try to get lost on the path. Try, as much as possible, to spend time in the places you get lost. And when you arrive to Ithaca, and you will arrive in Ithaca, do not be disappointed with Ithaca, because Ithaca has already gave you what you were looking for. It’s that journey, actually. So, to answer your question more directly, I would say, at the bottom, at the very end of this, I’m just looking for the journey. You know, I think the arrival point would be the same for all of us. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m not scared at all. I used to be in a French Masonry group that, during the initiation process, would ask you a bunch of questions. And one of the questions, for me, was ‘Are you afraid of death?’ And really, I did not realize, it was four years ago, and I answered at that time spontaneously ‘No, I’m afraid of life’. So to get back to what I was saying, that the ending point will be the same for all of us, as far as I’m concerned, I’m not scared. The only thing that is scaring me right now is what to do between now and the endpoint. This journey. How can I make it senseful…and…
Hadda Drama: Meaningful, yes thank you. And emotionally…true. Not real, but true. Which is really different for me.
Jazmine: What is it about the journey, from point A to point B, that scares you? Is it the ambiguity? How many possibilities there are?
Hadda Drama: No it’s not the ambiguity or the infinity of possible options. The odds - it’s not the odds. It’s the fact that I really - and I’m not kidding you - I do not know how I’m going to react in two minutes, or to act or to…I am a surprise for myself. This is what scares me the most. How can you be reliable when you are not able to say this simple thing about yourself - how you feel at this very moment, and how you are going to feel in five minutes? Except for external triggers. I am only talking about inner moods. My mood…I don’t know how my mood is going to be for a single day, can you imagine? And I do not know if the end of my day will be ‘I’m going to kill myself’ or ‘I love life’. This is what scares me most.
Jazmine: So it’s not any of the external possibilities but the ambiguity of -
Hadda Drama: Of the inner life.
“I don't want to burn to be alive. This is the problem with being borderline. Whatever you touch turns to fire. The thing that is keeping you alive is the very thing that is killing you. That is to say your emotions or your extreme emotions. So I’m trying to do something with it. I don’t know where this is going to lead me, but I’m willing to take the bet. ”
Jazmine: Do you feel like you have freedom in your life or do you feel your freedom is limited?
Hadda Drama: As far as the external world is concerned, I feel totally free. As far as my inner world is concerned, I’m locked inside. So I can do whatever I want outside, and as a borderline, I’m not afraid of extreme things, at all. I’m afraid of other things but not... In terms of external options I will try whatever it is, to try. As long as I want to, I’m willing to. So I feel free. Now I feel free. I feel free even in the sight of other people. I mean I used to be very afraid of the way people would see me, if they would accept or reject me. Now I’m not, at all. But again, as soon as it comes to what is happening inside…I’m locked in. I’m still locked in and it's scary.
Jazmine: So is your ‘dive inside’ of yourself almost a way to set yourself free? Kind of going within to expand?
Hadda Drama: Yes, I think so. It’s the only way I’ve found so far. So…I don’t know. If I reach Ithaca I will tell you.