Why your inner critic is not your enemy
Most of us have a pretty loud inner critic (aka gremlins, goblins, saboteurs, limiting beliefs, etc.). These voices in our heads subtly (or not so subtly) like to tell us we are absolute shit.
Worthless. Unlovable. Not enough. Too much.
Through working with our inner critics, we can get down to some of the roots of our shame and deepest insecurities. This work is not simply about speaking more kindly to yourself or "befriending yourself", it's about developing the self-awareness to understand that your judgments about who you are affecting every aspect of life, that you are complex, you contain multitudes, and that your inner critic is actually trying to help you - not destroy you.
What is The Inner Critic?
Our inner critics are the doubtful, at times debilitating, thoughts or voices in our heads that love to judge and criticize. But here's the thing. The inner critic is sneaky as it often doesn't come out of the gate yelling or screaming - more often than not, it whispers.
When a friend cancels plans it says "See? I knew they didn't care".
When a new relationship heads for the first sign of challenge it says "Yep...you messed this up yet again."
When you didn't check off all the things on your to do list it says "Mhmmm....another unproductive week".
When you're standing in front of your team members it says "No one listens to you because they don't respect you."
When you well up with emotion or feel on edge it says "Why are you not over this yet?"
The inner critic may not come right out and say the words "You're lazy, You're crazy. You're weak. You're unlovable" but it doesn't have to. It sits around in the background of the mind, waiting for an opportunity to judge, instill doubt, or create shame.
Where Does The Inner Critic Come From?
It's far too simplistic to say the inner critic is an internalized voice of a parent or authority figure. It might be, but often the inner critical voices are picked up from repeated experiences throughout our lives, especially in childhood, when we learned what is acceptable to those around us and what is not.
For example:
If you were constantly praised only for your efforts in school but not for your kind heart or who you are, you may develop an inner critic that strives for perfection in work.
If you were in a community where your bids for attention or your needs were met with resentment or contempt, you may develop an inner critic who berates you for simply having needs, let alone vocalizing them.
If you were met with even subtle unwanted comments every time you expressed yourself in new or playful ways, you may develop an inner critic that tries to keep you from feeling embarrassed and limits your expression.
We learn at a really young age what is expected of us from parents, peers, and society. For many of us, this shapes the inner parts that want to protect us from being abandoned, unloved, embarrassed or hurt.
“Everyone has an inner critic. Most people have several. They typically fall into the category of managers. They’re desperately trying to get you to behave—to lose weight, not to yell at your partner, not to take risks, etc.—so they attack you, thinking that will work. They are like internalized children who are in over their heads and don’t know how else to run the whole family other than by yelling and criticizing. To work with the critic we need to listen to them and learn what they protect. We then need to honor them for that service and negotiate with them for permission to go to what they protect so we can heal those exiles.”
Each of our inner critics, at the very bottom of it, is trying to keep us safe. They are scared, hurt, and trying to protect us. Uncovering what the inner critic fears, need from us, and wants for us, is crucial to changing our inner dialogue.
What We Get Wrong About The Inner Critic
Understanding that the inner critical voices have important clues for our healing is revolutionary. However, when we heavily identify with the inner critic, believing a lot of what it says, we miss an opportunity to respond.
The truth is - the inner critic is highly misunderstood, in several ways:
Sometimes we project our self-criticism onto others. We may externalize the inner critic and think someone else doesn't like us or thinks that we're "bad" "lazy" or "stupid", when the truth is we are judging ourselves.
We may make the mind (or these self-critical voices) the enemy. We may conclude we have to "kill the ego" or that our minds are just out of control. When we make the mind the enemy - we have already lost the battle.
We may think of our insecurity or self-doubt as a core personality trait or feel there's something wrong with us. We may conclude that all we need is a bit more confidence. While you may suffer more from self-doubt than others seem to, it's not who you are. Confidence comes from acceptance, not resistance.
The Inner Critic Is Not The Enemy
What if I told you that the inner critic is not your enemy? It is not to be defeated or placated or blanketed.
The inner critic is one of the most important tools for transformation when we know how to work with it.
Here are a few steps for transforming your inner critic into a source of self-awareness and compassion.
1) Get Clear on Where and When The Inner Critic Elicits Shame & Self-Doubt
Step one is to take inventory of the areas where you feel shame, doubt, and insecurity. You already know a bit about what your biggest triggers are (certain people, places, facets of life where shame creeps up more often than not), but there are likely other areas of life in which our inner critics may go unnoticed. It can feel uncomfortable, but first, we have to know where exactly the inner critics are lurking and what they really have to say to us.
Get a pen and paper - write these prompts at the top and let yourself really go for at least 15 minutes:
What I'm really ashamed of is...
What I really fear is...
My inner critic is telling me ...
2) Get Intimate With The Inner Critic : 3 Questions To Ask
The next step? Getting real intimate with those inner voices. It's not enough to know what they are saying, we want to get to the bottom of their motivation - in other words, why are they here? What are they really trying to tell us? If we understand that each of our inner critical voices is trying to protect and serve us (just doing it in a way that is harmful and not getting the result either of us wants), then we have to give them our fullest attention and talk to them as if they were precious, lovable, and valid.
Get yourself into a present, meditative state. Choose one inner critic you want to work with (e.g. the one that tells me I'm not "smart enough") and picture them in your mind as if they were a real person. Ask them each of these questions pausing in between to listen for a response. Alternatively, you can do this in writing, switching between "your" perspective as the questioner, and the inner critic's perspective as the responder.
What is your biggest fear? Or What do you fear is going to happen to us?
What do you want for us?
What do you need from me right now to know that we are safe/ok/loved/etc.?
3) Soothe Them Like The Hurt Child They Are
When we stop believing everything the inner critic says, when we stop fighting with them, invalidating them, demanding they change, shut them out, or try to placate them, more often than not, the inner critic loses its charge and they start to work with us instead of against us. The ultimate goal of inner critic work is integration. Integration happens when we no longer need to defend or protect against internal or external criticism. Integration happens when we finally love that part of ourselves.
Like children, the inner critics within us just want to be heard. Fighting, bribing, or placating children ultimately doesn't work in the long run- right? So it won't work with our inner hurt children as well.
The final step in inner critic work is to become the "parent":
Validate and honor the inner critic's feelings and needs.
Find a way to compromise, reassure, or even change your actions, if needed. Decide how to best move forward together.
Using the last question prompt [What do you need from me right now?] make a commitment to them based on their needs.
For example: Do they need you to slow down? Say "no" more often? Write more? Check-in with all of your inner parts more? Stop listening to what that person says about you? Do they need you to do what you say you're going to do/live more in integrity? Do you need to fill out that application you've been avoiding or go after the dream you have? Whatever it is, listen, decide what's best for you in your wholeness, and do it!
Much love,
Jaz