5 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism

from an Ex-Perfectionist

Last week I shared my process for a mid-year life refresh with you. (If you missed it, here's the workbook I made that you can use to check in on your goals and dreams). This week, I want to talk about the biggest thing that can get in the way of living our goals and dreams: perfectionism.

Perfectionism is not a dedication to doing things well, or having "high standards".

Perfectionism is actually shame and insecurity in disguise.

Perfectionism says:

There's only one right way to do this and I have to get it right
The outcome is more important than the process.
If the process is messy, the outcome will be poor quality
Unless I have the right conditions present, I won't be able to get anything done
If I don't have the motivation or inspiration, what I create won't be "good enough"
I prove my worth through what I create. If what I create is not good, then I am not good.
If I can't make this exactly the way I want it, it's not worth doing.

I know these feelings all too well! I used to hide under the covers every time I put something out into the world, gave a talk, or held a workshop. I used to tell myself it's "just not the right time" or "I don't have enough knowledge yet." I used to spend years perfecting a project and then decide it wasn't good enough anyway. And I used to fear criticism more than anything, especially my own.

But, here's the thing: Perfectionism isn't a personality trait and it is possible to become an anti-perfectionist, to release the shame and self-doubt, and get out of your own way.

As an ex-perfectionist, here are my best tips for undoing perfectionism:

1. Honor the Cycles of Confusion, Lostness, and Re-Assessment

We all feel lost, confused, and uncertain about where to go next sometimes. Perfectionism sometimes compels us to think that if we feel this way, it's because we aren't "good enough" at what we do. Or we "fail" at something and believe we have to completely change career paths. In reality, these moments of uncertainty are crucial for our growth. The goal is not to avoid these moments of uncertainty, but rather use them creatively to reflect, experiment, and course-correct. It may not feel like it at the moment, but confusion and uncertainty are GOOD. In fact, one of my favorite phrases is:

“Confusion lays the groundwork for clarity.”

If we didn't have moments of confusion and re-assessment, we could be propelling towards a target that may no longer align with who we are or want to be. So if confusion is present, clarity is around the corner. When we stick with the uncertainty long enough to recognize its medicine, we can thrive in the mystery of life.

That's also why check-ins are SO important to help us move through the natural and inevitable feelings of lostness, confusion, and uncertainty about the future. So don't let perfectionism force you down a path that no longer aligns, check-in, re-assess, and find beauty in the in-betweens.

2. Value The Process More Than The Outcome

Not only does perfectionism tell us that it isn't ok to feel lost or confused, but also that if the process isn't smooth or perfect, the outcome won't be either. This is so blatantly false. As with any journey, it's the adventure, the ups and downs, that makes us who we are, that changes us. The process of moving through the challenges that emerge with any goal or vision is where the real juice is. The reward we get in the end is who we become in the process, not what we "accomplish" at the finish line.

Knowing this, I now gauge which projects I take on by how much I know I'm going to transform in the creation process. I ask myself:

Is this project going to help me become who I want to be?
Is this project going to give me the opportunity to change?
Will I be happy I worked on this project, even if it doesn't turn out the way I want?

Switching to a process-oriented mindset is one of the ways perfectionism loosens its grip.

3. Make Your Own Feedback Checklist

One of the biggest struggles I had in dealing with perfectionism is how much criticism and shame I would lay on myself. Even if everyone else gave me good feedback, I could NEVER seem to live up to my own harsh expectations. This is the #1 thing that crumpled my self-confidence and made me my own worst enemy. How "bad" I was at everything plagued my mind.

Until one day I had the thought: "What criteria am I using to judge myself?" Not to mention, is that criteria fair? So I actually sat down for each project and created an actual checklist and feedback form to "rate" myself on the criteria that I chose, rather than just a general sense of discontent with my performance. And it worked!

For example, when leading workshops, I rated myself on (1) how energetic I was, (2) my flexibility with the structure, (3) how well I attuned to people's needs, (4) how present I felt, and (5) whether I started and ended on time, to name a few. I chose this criteria based on what I valued, what kind of a leader I was trying to become. And when I sat down to rate myself, I found that I generally lived up to my expectations, or saw areas I could improve upon. It ended the cycle of fixating on the few "bad" moments and helped me feel empowered to grow.

Try this: Create a personalized "feedback form" to track your progress over time. The most important part: give yourself a rating (on a scale of 1-10) based on how YOU feel you did, rather than other people's responses.

4. Pick Your Personal "Advisory Board" Carefully

One of the biggest things that flared up my perfectionism is seeking the advice and opinions of (or really, validation from) people who did not see me or what I was trying to create. I constantly wanted approval from folks who generally didn't know how to give it. I made other people the authority over my feelings of success and failure. And I continued to replay the traumatic pattern of choosing people to "advise" me who didn't know the first thing about me or my vision.

I decided at some point to stop asking the wrong people for feedback. It wasn't healthy for me, and in some ways it was incredibly unfair to them (they often didn't sign up for the role of "mentor"). Instead, I wrote out a list of my personal advisory board. This group of people changed for each topic/project. For example, someone who I could go to for spiritual mentorship, was not the right person to ask for help with building a non-profit. The person I sought advice from on a book proposal, was not the same person I'd go to for web design help.

What this did for me was to honor and acknowledge the right support I already had in my life, but also not expect everything from people who had a unique set of gifts and talents. It also showed me that I could seek support from a place of kinship rather than mentor/mentee. All advice and input would have to be filtered through my own lens, because in the end, it's great to take feedback, yet your opinion about your dreams and goals matters most.

5. Celebrate Wins

In all my work on perfectionism over the years, the biggest antidote to perfectionism is celebration. Perfectionism will keep changing the rules on you and telling you why your project or goal is not good enough. It'll say "yeah, but we really didn't do that much." or "that was just a fluke" or "it's not as successful as I wanted it to be".

Celebrating the smallest wins along the way breathes life into old projects. It keeps us motivated and enthusiastic. Celebration is the energy that shows you nothing is too small to be proud of yourself for. Though celebration, you are practicing triumph, success, and feeling proud of yourself. If I'm honest, through all the self-doubt and insecurity, all I ever wanted was to feel proud of myself, and I believed erroneously that I had to accomplish some big thing in order to justify that.

You get to feel proud of yourself right now!

Celebrating your wins, no matter how small, teaches us that we get to feel proud TODAY. Don't get me wrong, it's a super awkward muscle to train. It can feel incredibly lame to throw yourself a little party for finishing one page of writing, or getting one client, or saving up $100 in your bank account. It's hard to feign excitement when your goals are so much bigger than that. Even though it's awkward, the small things that you can genuinely feel even a small sense of accomplishment over is worth it. It trains your mind into noticing and actually feeling fulfillment.

So what can you be proud of today?

Bonus Tip: Have a System for Checking In With Yourself Annually, Monthly, and Weekly. (With Notion)

Having a way to track progress, remind yourself of why you're doing what you're doing, and reflect along the way is life-changing. Implementing a process like this isn't easy, but I built out a template for you, if you've been wanting to get more organized with your goals and projects.

I created a system that:

makes it easy and simple to remember your long and short term goals
switch easily between big picture visioning and the day-to-day tasks
keep track of all project planning
check-in with yourself monthly and weekly
store all the articles, videos, and podcasts you come across and want to revisit
more

Check out the video I made here:

If you're interested or already use Notion, it is free to use, and as thanks for being in this community and letting me share myself with you, here's a friends & fam discount for the template.

Get the notion life dashboard for $25

Wishing you a creative life of self-compassion and growth!

Much love,

Jaz

5 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism from an Ex-Perfectionist